Reality as I see it: III-On relationships

14th Feb 2007

We have seen how YOU and your BODY are two different entities coexisting - pursuing different goals resulting in a competitive dualism. We have seen how the Being experiences predominance of influence exerted by each of these and that gets reflected in his actions and behaviour. We now use this framework to examine the issue of ‘Relationships’ in our lives.

The talk about the relationships is the flavour of today. We see screaming headlines ‘if you love her, show it today’, ‘valentine’s day is all about strengthening the marital relationships’. You get unsolicited tips from the newspapers about the gifts you need to buy for your valentine today, how to make relationships work etc. One does get a feeling that all this hype is wicked marketing strategy to further their sales. That apart, what are these relationships? What is their nature? Why do we think they are important?

Relationships have defined and redefined the human history. It may not be far from truth to state that human history is actually a record of the human relationships and how they have either bettered or worsened the way the beings lived. Philosophers have written copious amounts about relationships, poets wrote books after books on the relationships; every single movie we see today is all about relationships. Are they really so important?

Relationships define the scope of the human being as he/she operates in this world. So much so, that many look at the family before they look at the person. We go to look for a match after verifying the family background from various sources. We like the family, we like the person and we perform the marriage. It turns out that the person is just too different from what the family is supposed to represent. Doesn’t this happen so very frequently?

Bodily origin

Relationships arise out of the needs represented by your Body. Body needs satisfaction of the basic needs, so you marry. It wants to further other Bodies – so you nurture a family. It wants self-esteem (we have seen that the ‘pride’ or self-esteem is a completely body trait, since nothing of that can ever claim permanence) and so we feel possessive of our spouse, we feel proud if our children do well. We get hysteric about our children doing well. We want that our children become big, much bigger than us. We feel jealous if others do better than what our children do. All these represent the Body elements in us. None of them has any element of permanence in them.

We interact with many people in this world – ‘the fellow travellers’. These interactions do not have any elements of possessiveness in them. They are purely professional. If we speak to a customer who wants a particular product, we are ascertaining his needs and trying to see if we can make a product like that. The association is based on specific need; and ends there. We call that professionalism. On the other hand, if we want to build a relationship with the customer, we probe deep in to his likings and dislikes, we try to coax him to see our other products, we try to impress him, we try to follow up with him – we are associating lot more than what he really wants.

When we travel in a bus, we speak to some fellow travellers. We can limit this interaction to exactly what is needed; or expand it into a full-scale conversation. There are people who try to enter into full-scale relationships based on casual interactions while on bus or train. Interaction sometimes is essential for completing the journey. But is it essential to expand the scope of this interaction? Yes or no, it is a choice before us. We choose whether to minimise or expand the scope of this interaction.

Emotional Web

When we combine the interaction with emotion, we have a relationship. Let us think there are 4 individuals around. They are interacting with each other in a time plane. The points of interaction of A & B are single or minimal. They are interacting on equal basis only till the point they need to interact. C & D have built a relationship of exclusivity around them, which separates them into from the rest of the universal whole.

A
B
D
C

When the couple commit that - they are only for the each other and none else; and that the nest that they are going to build is going to be different from all the rest, what are they doing? They weave an emotional web around an interaction. This emotional web differentiates this unit from the rest of the world. Therefore, you have created an enclave, a niche of exclusivity that separates that unit from the rest of the world. As a result, the world becomes a conglomerate of niches that are acting in their perceived self-interest at the exclusion of all the rest. Each unit furthers itself, often at the cost of the other units. You fight with each other to satisfy your own ego. The web now brings in not only possessiveness, jealousy, violence, greed, deceit – all for perpetuating itself.

Intermediary intrusion

Every (so called) ‘pious’ relationship is in fact, a divisive force; that divides the universe that recognises no boundaries. It brings in the concepts of ‘mine’ and ‘thine’; The concepts of ‘ownership’ and ‘possession’. The drive to accumulate. The desire to bequeath. The desire to achieve immortality. In a way, it seeks the status of permanence that it does not have. The only thing that is permanent is the Spirit that resides in all of us; and that which is in a journey. The relationship is an intermediary intrusion in this journey of the Spirit from the source to destination. The divisive concepts are actually alien to the Spirit that is pure and universal. It only recognises the universal brotherhood. It realises that we are all travellers with the same source and destination.

Relationships bring in the pollution that is associated with the Body. Relationships are sociological concoctions for an orderly living. They are associations between two or more living beings with mutual consent – either tacit or explicit – for achieving physical objectives. The origin of the relationships is therefore in the need for physical existence. It is an instrument to meet needs and wants – of the Body. Relationships therefore pertain to Body – its desires, its wants, its aspirations, its pollution, its angularities and its anguishes.

All relationships are meant to satisfy physical needs. (‘Physical’ means and includes all wants other than spiritual wants). Physical needs arise out of the Body. Even a relationship between a teacher and the taught exists only at the body level – because it tells you how live better in a physical world. Even a relationship claims to be purely altruistic - comes in to satisfy a physical need of creating a positive self-image.

All Relationships will end, many a time, rather abruptly. All relationships are temporary. If the relationship has been unpleasant, it adds to your cup of woes. If it brings a ‘lot of pleasure’ (as most families think) it is only a harbinger of untold miseries lying ahead, deepest of sorrows. Because all that is completely ephemeral. You tend to gloat in its success, think and pray that it would never end. And it ENDS. Surely and certainly. And when it ends, your sorrow knows no boundaries. So you tend to end up in deep sorrow, deeper than what an unpleasant relationship has given. So either way, a relationship either exists or ends in sorrow.

Since relationships exist in the physical level of the Body Spirit Continuum (BSC), they contain all the evils associated with the body. They bring in the greed, the acquisitive nature, the jealousies, and the petty nature of the body to the fore. Relationships therefore come in at a heavy price. They are the springboard for– negative energies like greed, possessiveness, jealousy and sorrow. So can any relationship be ‘good’?




Draining out the Spirit

Relationships have nothing to do with the journey of the spirit. But, relationships cannot be created or sustained without being powered by the spirit within. When the spirit gives / lends its energies for bringing forth a relationship, the Spirit is giving in; and in the process weakening its strategic position in the Body-Spirit duality. It is like sacrificing a ‘Queen’ for taking a ‘Pawn’ in the game of chess. When the Spirit gives into the demand of the Body for creating a relationship, it is compromising its position to command the Body.

In a way, they drain out the power of the Spirit. Every relationship needs investment of emotional energy. It needs energy to create and continue a relationship. It needs energy to feel possessive. It needs energy to fight for it; it expends energy on promoting it; it drains energy in negative feelings of jealousy, deceit and possessiveness. Every time you make a relationship, you are draining out spiritual energy in building up a web of emotions around it.

They multiply the desires of bodily existence. One desire takes to other and the result is you get deeper into the physical state – at the exclusion of the Spiritual state. It in fact, denotes a victory of Body over the spirit in the Body-spirit Continuum.

Who is gaining through a relationship? Is it the spirit or the body? Spirit does not need any additional baggage in its journey. It is the body, which is interested in its self-perpetuation, which engineers relationships. Relationships are diabolic plots of the physical body for its self-perpetuation.

Hurdle in the march of universal consciousness

Relationships put hurdles in the march of the universal consciousness. They bring in bondage, which is inherently stifling. They create artificial divisions in the universal consciousness. The only true thing is that we are all co-passengers with same path and destiny. The goal of the Spirit is the realisation of this Truth and its Universalisation. This can never be served by the unending and myriad relationships that we choose to create in our lives.

Minimalist relationships

Should we then approve the actions of the RSS activists who release a diatribe against the revelry now got associated with Valentines’ Day? Certainly not! They represent another, much deeper level of ignorance that creates further, more violent divisions in the universal consciousness.


Do we eschew relationships in life? And live a life of an ascetic? Though it presents an attractive proposition, it means withdrawal from the active world. Is that what your Spirit ordains you to do? If so, yes – you should.

If your spirit ordains you to be active in this journey, and this process needs relationships, maintain minimalist relationships devoid of emotion to the extent possible. You should realise your aim in life; and choose only those relationships that are inevitable. Avoid all relationships that can be avoided. Even when you are in these relationships, keep away from the emotional web that the relationship tries to weave.

Keep detached even when attached.
Life the drop on a lotus leaf.